I was raised Christian most of my life. This doesn’t mean I was committed to Jesus as my savior. In fact, far from.

My parents raised me Catholic, but I was not a born again Christian until about 4.5 years ago (I’m now 34). Never in my childhood years did I declare Jesus as my savior. I was forced into ritualistic ceremonies, Sunday school, a pretty confirmation dress, and communion without knowing what it all meant.

I dabbled with talking to “God” every now and then, without knowing whether He existed.

Actually, I only really talked to “God” in my quiet time around the age of 13 because I prayed for a boy to like me. That was the extent to my relationship with the Lord. Well, the crush I had lasted one summer. LOL

Then, in high school, my parents separated. They began to go back to church to ask God to help them.

To help them with what??

They already made their decision and was divorced my sophomore year of college.

Then, I wrote off God.

And here begins the thoughts of an atheist journey…

To believe in a higher power meant I was weak.

When my parents turned to God in the weakest point of their marriage, and ended in divorce, I viewed any kind of god as being useless. If God really existed, He would have turned my parents marriage around. Based on my parents’ decision, my heart towards marriage and relationships drastically changed. I viewed marriage as useless. I saw there was a 50% chance of getting a divorce and deal with drama. That was too great of a risk. I wanted nothing to do with marriage.

The stone in my heart grew towards any hope of having a genuine, loving relationship and I became promiscuous.

The world’s ways were way better than “conservative” ways.

As soon as marriage was tossed under the rug, promiscuity came. After my dad left my mom, our relationship tarnished. I viewed all guys as being useless and only good for sex or friendly companionship. If I wasn’t going to have the emotional intimacy, I could at least feel valued with the physical intimacy.

That meant, since I was going to be naked more often, that equaled more days at the gym, buying makeup & outfits I didn’t need, drinking & partying 2-3 days a week (to meet random guys). On some days, I’d wallowed in misery with weed (a lot of weed) and thought “Why do I keep repeating this cycle?” Because it was fun – at least for the moment. And fun was good.

Every thought about conservatism bugged me. I felt it was limited and offered no freedom. I gravitated toward every liberal thought because after all, liberal meant freedom, right? And freedom was also good.

Independence & knowledge equaled power. Independence & knowledge was also survival.

I’m probably one of the more resourceful and observant people you’ll ever meet. I’m the type that studies, researches, and observes before I make decisions about things and about people. I became cautious and fearful of ever getting hurt.

My mother’s breakdown after my dad left showed me I needed to be stronger and wiser. How could she not have picked up that he was going to leave?  Her codependency on me after their divorce made me realize I needed to survive by being more independent.

I used knowledge to make sense of what was good around me. Everything had to have some sort of logic or reason behind it.

Knowledge and independence was survival.

When I die, I just I don’t exist

Every plant, every animal, every human being I see buried into the ground, became non-existent. That was my belief. When I die, my soul and my flesh will die too, and will become part of the earth. There was no after life or eternal life. I believed we all become nothing when our flesh withers into the ground.

 

Stay tuned to my next post on how salvation changed my thoughts…and my behavior for that matter 😉

Love you,

 

Patty